Words that made me cry

I cried one morning this week during a time of private bible study.

I was disappointed in myself.

I was disappointed because I contemplate God’s holiness probably more than most people.

I am quite enthralled by it, actually.

God is perfect. He is holy. And His HOLY Spirit lives in me.

I actually expect the Holy Spirit to be seen through me in ever-increasing measure as I stay close to God.

And because I think about his holiness a lot, I think about sin a lot.

I want sin to have no room in me so I can better reflect God’s nature.

I pay attention. I confess. Sin matters.

I thought I was doing okay. Until this particular day.

If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit (Galatians 5:25).

I wrote a bit about what it must mean to “keep in step” with the Spirit:

A moment-by-moment relationship with the Holy Spirit. Submitting to Him with no presupposing, not doing anything out of protocol, habit or  routine, but rather in response to His urging within me. To have a fresh, obedient response every moment, eagerly listening in a fully present way, “Lord, what do you want me to do?” and waiting for the quickening of the Holy Spirit to give me the answer.

Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts. (Zechariah 4:6)

I thought about how often I use my own might and power instead of Holy Spirit power and wrote: I am so grieved. I work so hard!

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander by put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:29-32

I looked up all that grieves the Holy Spirit in this verse. I have not struggled with wrath, slander or malice, but some other words made me sad to study:

corrupt: 1) cause to act dishonestly in return for money or personal gain. 2) change or debase by making errors, unintentional alterations.

Any time I have exaggerated for personal gain, like dressing up a story to be liked more, I have been corrupt. Even unintentional alterations that have changed or debased [God’s plan] is being corrupt. Have I corrupted the plans of my husband? my children?

NEW WORD (that I don’t like) FOR MY BEHAVIOR

bitterness: anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly.

I would not have called myself a bitter person, but I have been angry and disappointed at being treated unfairly. So…

NEW WORD (that I don’t like) FOR MY BEHAVIOR

anger: a strong feeling of annoyance.

I don’t struggle with anger in any sort of long-term way, but this definition was new. The number one sentence my kids say when frustrated is  “That’s so annoying!” Did I teach them that? Never would have called it anger per se…until this morning.

NEW WORD (that I don’t like) FOR MY BEHAVIOR

clamor: loud and confused noise, especially that of people, shouting vehemently.

Ummm, this has happened in my home. Sometimes I am not part of it. Other times I have been. (Oh, it hurts to type that.)

NEW WORD (that I don’t like) FOR MY BEHAVIOR

I can get feeling pretty good about myself in terms of maturing in my faith every year, putting away some more sinful habits than the year before, doing better than some around me.

• Nothing like looking in the mirror of PERFECTION to receive a heap of humble.
• Nothing like looking at the LORD I love and crumbling at the dirt still inside.
• Nothing like putting away from me an old set of words for old behaviors and being handed NEW WORDS for behavior still to be addressed.

That’s why I cried.

I curled up in my Father’s lap and confessed my dirty heart to Him yet again — this new next layer we will now be working on together.

God revealing, then me confessing and changing.

After my tears, I got up and set my face toward the day. I prayed, Lord, allow the Holy Spirit to respond perfectly through me today to all people.

I have no idea how perfect I was that day, but I do know this.

Something had to have leaked out because it is God’s will that His children reflect His nature to a watching world.

At some point God was displayed.

And whatever leaked out was PERFECT — enthrallingly PERFECT — because what leaked out was the Holy Spirit of God.

A day that started out with tears of repentance ended with a bit of delight because I experienced some union and communion with my Father.

• He understands me perfectly (no one else does).
• He never makes a mistake with me (everyone else does).
• He forgives me perfectly (not everyone does).

I don’t remember the events of the day, but I remember having a good day with Him.

That is all that matters.

P.S. – Photos this week were from our “snowstorm” in the south. My son was exuberant. That is all that matters.

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